I worry. I spend much of my time and energy worrying about things--many of which will never happen. I try not to worry. I try really hard, but it doesn't seem to work. As I was talking to a friend about this the other day, she asked "What would it be like for you to embrace your anxiety?" As I've thought about this, I have had some ideas that, if they are true, could be very freeing.
Embracing my anxiety would be allowing myself the freedom to worry. I'm not sure what that would do. My guess is that I would worry about something for a while and then eventually see that: 1) I started worrying for an irrational reason, and 2) if the things I am worrying about happen, then maybe God is just providing something else for me. For example I worry about my job. What if I don't do well enough at it? What if I don't work hard enough? What if I can't accomplish some of the things I'm given to do? (I've been trying to write an overview of the goat industry for months and it's just not coming together...wonder why?) Well, maybe I would lose my job. If that would happen then maybe God has another means of provision in mind for me. Maybe He would be nudging me toward something that's more in line with what I want to do anyway. That wouldn't be so bad.
I think that I'm scared to embrace anxiety because I don't want it to define me. I want who I am in Christ to define me. Right now worry feels like this huge river that I have to hold back. It's hard. I can't do it, and inevitably I let some water leak out. Each time I do the river gets closer and closer to gushing over me. So, naturally I get mad at myself for letting a little water out because with each trickle I get closer and closer to being washed away.
But maybe there's not a river. Maybe there are just a few trickles and after that the "river" would be dry. If that's true, I am exerting a whole lot of energy for nothing. I'm trying to hold back something that doesn't exist.
I think it comes back to the issue of trusting myself. If I were to embrace worrying, I would be trusing that God's mark on me runs deeper than my worrying does--that at my core I am not a worrier, I am a child of God (which means I trust Him as my father). I would be trusting that God is already in the deepest parts of my heart, even when it looks like nothing but ugliness is there. Can I believe that?
Thoughts on life, culture and our world
3 comments:
The poet Rilke said, "Who is there who has not sat tense before her own heart's curtain?"
Perhaps embracing the worry is like drawing the curtain aside, exposing what is still deeper than the worry.
Thanks Liam. I like that quote. I shared it with your wife today and she liked it too.
It will be helpful for me to think about drawing this curtain aside as I continue to look at worry in my life. And knowing that everyone sits tense before this curtain helps me gather the courage that will be necessary.
Jeri, I am suprised you are a worrier, but you have told me that before. What I find the most intriguing is that you are writing a summary of the goal industry. How interesting and why in the world are you writing this? What have you learned so far. We have no goat industry in this area... you can come up here and do research for a while if you'd like. We will house and feed you and you can add your findings to your report. I am a vet and haven't seen a goat in months!
Post a Comment